The Magic Of Trust

The following is an email from a former client who reflects on how her eating disorder recovery is impacting motherhood. She graciously agreed to share this beautiful piece on the blog:

Back when I was in recovery, I was sure that what I was learning about were calories, body image and nutrients. Looking back now, I’m starting to see more and more lessons that have become  ingrained in me (rather slowly, I’ll admit) since those sessions. 

Recently, our little guy decided that sleep is no longer necessary. I was getting up just about every 45 minutes to two hours to feed him and rock him back to sleep.  I was irritable and exhausted and not feeling great overall. My sister tried encouraging me to sleep train but there were too many what ifs and how do I knows running around my head. 

I realized that my anxieties sounded very similar to my old eating disordered thoughts. “How do I know that I won’t just eat my way through the pantry”, “what if I never stop gaining weight”, “Who says I’m not the exception to the rule”. “How do I know my baby wont scream forever”, “What if he hates me for not holding him each time he cries”, “What if he is too upset to realize that I’m right there with him?" 

Recovery taught me that I have the ability to choose a couple of people in my life that I can trust. People that have more knowledge or experience than me. And I can lean on them to guide me, and trust them to advise without having to know every if, and, or but. I guess this is what is called tolerating uncertainty. And the more I practice it, the easier it gets, and the calmer I can be.

I know sleep training doesn’t align with everyone’s values, but for me it’s been a gift. Three nights in my baby is sleeping and napping beautifully and calmly and I have been  able to sit down and eat dinner, do some laundry and exercise a bit. I feel energized and happy and ready to great my baby and my husband with a smile when morning comes around. 

I’m so grateful to you for teaching me the magic of trust. Of believing. Of letting go of that false sense of control….

Because eating disorders are not just about food, changing your eating is really challenging. You have to change deeply-held beliefs and face some very real fears. But here's the other side of that coin: because eating disorders are not just about food, when you gather the courage to change your eating, you access the courage to make other wonderful changes in your life. That's some pretty serious magic.