To The Mother Who Wants A Thin Daughter

Two things happened today that inspired this post. The first is an encounter with a mother who was shocked (and dismayed) that I was not prescribing weight loss for her pre-teen daughter who was growing steadily along the same growth curve since age 2. The second is a parenting quote that landed hard. (Stay tuned - more on that below.)

As a general rule, parents want what is best for their children, and I believe that the parents I meet are well-intentioned. When a mom is set on her child, particularly her daughter, being thin, I would like to think it's because she wants her child to be happy, successful, and safe. That is certainly what the culture tells us. When thinness is viewed as currency for those things, it's no surprise that a mother might desire that body type for her daughter. However, a significant factor contributing to weight is genetics, which is not something we get to choose. Neither is your child's personality, talents or lack thereof, the person she chooses as her best friend, what happens to her that one day in 4th grade, and countless other situations which your child finds herself in that may ultimately influence her eating and body size. The hard reality is that while there are many things in our child's life over which we have control, there are many more things over which we do not. That can be a really difficult thing to accept, particularly if you have your own tricky history with weight and body image. If you've struggled with your weight (or continue to do so), it's likely that you will be especially focused on your daughter's weight. That's because parenthood does not bestow perfection; becoming a parent doesn't mean that your own insecurities get erased. To the contrary, parenthood can ignite old fears and hangups that you thought you'd moved past.

And you know what? That's ok. You don't have to be past everything in order to be a wonderful mom. What I would gently suggest, though, is a good look at whether your stuff is blocking your vision. If your desire for a thin daughter is causing conflict in your relationship with that daughter or leading you to make unhealthy decisions for her, then that should be examined. I believe that you want your daughter to be happy. I trust that you want your daughter to feel safe. I understand that you want an easy life for her. And who wouldn't? This makes you a good mother! But your efforts to make her thin might in fact be causing the opposite. As dietitians, we do not ignore unexpected weight changes. We investigate and develop interventions. But when a child is growing as genetically expected, then interfering does more harm than good. Trying to suppress your daughter's weight is more likely to backfire and cause eating problems that will lead to misery and pain. The good news is that there are many other ways to help your daughter have a happy, successful, and beautiful life. This will take courage and requires a fresh perspective, but it will be well worthwhile for both of you.

Now, for the quote that fortitously showed up for me today:

"Don't be so busy trying to give your kids a good life that you forget to give them a good day."

I am no parenting expert - just a parent who interacts with many other parents. I have seen parents go to extraordinary lengths to try and secure happiness for their children. Parents plan and prepare, pray and pay, worry and wait, research and travel, pull strings and pull all-nighters...what don't we do? What WON'T we do? But is what we do always what our children need? If their lives are full of tension and negativity because we're working so hard to give them the best future, what are we actually doing?

Dear mom, what if your child needs most of all is the reassurance that she's just fine the way she is? That she doesn't have to do "whatever it takes" in an effort to reach a body size that is not intended for her and that she won't be able to maintain without extreme measures? What if what she really needs to hear is that her size just is what it is and that your love for her is unrelated? If her childhood is spent on a backdrop of unconditional acceptance rather than undue focus on her size, she can look back on many good days instead of many unsuccessful diets. She can grow up rooted in confidence and strength rather than insecurity and failure. As a mother, I completely understand wanting your daughter to have a good life. As a dietitian, I know that trying to make her thin is not the way to help her get it.

Your daughter needs your help; just not in the way you might think. She needs to feel ok in her own skin from the person most important to her, and that might be really difficult for you. You will need to work on things from the inside out, and it takes a lot of courage to look inside and examine your own motives. You might need to take a tough journey through your own trauma, which might even be multigenerational. This stuff can be very deep-rooted, but I promise you it will be worthwhile. Your daughter will make you proud, and you will make yourself proud, too.